Party Anyone?

What the hell is wrong with this nation? Flag burning? Gay marriage? WHO CARES? Our nation is at war and all we care about is whether or not people should be allowed to burn flags. Does it actually hurt you physically if someone burns a flag? I am glad it didn't pass. If it had I was thinking about a flag burning party in my back yard this weekend. Perhaps we would listen to Dixie Chicks while eating hot dogs and roasting marshmellows.
And how about that Star Jones. I watched her interview this evening with Larry King. It was interesting to say the least. I look forward to seeing Rosie and Elisabeth duke it out on tv this fall (and I don't even watch The View).

Nevada is a great place to...

...FUCK,
outside.
It is unlikely you will get bug bites and there is great weather here year-round.
I found this info on the Net from Respectable Source and I couldn't help but giggle. I had never quite thought of this great state in such a way. Respectable Source always fills me in.:)

Now all I can think about is taking Hubby on an adventure in the park across the street or on some red rocks before we move across the country. There are bugs where we are going, lots of them. That is too bad, especially now that I am armed with some new info, thus creating some new fantasies. Thanks a lot Respectable Source!

Hmmm...I am a little rusty at the moment and fantasizing often as I have had "medical issues" in the last month. Doc says no to any action "down there" for at least another week. Holy crap this is getting ruff! I can't even open The Drawer.

Ha, The Drawer! A few years ago, my girlfriends and I had a PartyGals party for a friend before she got married. We stocked her drawer quite well with many things that required lots of batteries and attachments too. A few months after the wedding we asked her if she was getting use out of The Drawer. Thankfully she had put our money to good use and was enjoying it, so was her partner. In fact she was enjoying it so much that she ran out of room and required Two Drawers! Bitch!

Well my friend I will call Suburban Mom and I got jealous, real jealous. So about a year ago, Suburban Mom and I went to another PartyGals party and added to our own Drawers. We decided it was important to explore this part of being a woman. We promised each other that The Drawer would not become some sort of addiction and cause us problems with our Hubbys', our jobs, or other responsibilities. We made this promise because we both remembered what happened to Charlotte on Sex and the City. Do you remember that? The girls had to do an intervention. Charlotte wasn't going out. She was staying home with The Rabbit. It met all her needs.:)

Anyway, I am out of commission for at least another week. Sexually frustrated? Absolutely! I am happily waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Hubby will be home often in July...GOOD and when he is not...I always have The Drawer!

Naming the Baby

What is the deal with all those people in this world who say they support you, but really don't? I am not talking to all you bloggy friends. You don't have to call and leave offensive messages on my machine, although that would make my days more interesting.

I am talking about these people that say things to my friend we will call Surprised Mama. Today I finally got in touch with Surprised Mama. We have been emailing and leaving messages for each other for a few weeks. I called to invite her to lunch. We are both on vacation from the Little Monkeys and loving it.

Prego, that is what she told me after about 20 words into our conversation. Prego and SURPRISED! She found out several months ago and is about 5 months along. I read between the lines and quickly said...is this a good thing? Do you want me to say congratulations? Surprised Mama was well, really surprised, stressed, frustrated, and also amazed. Prego? How could that be? She had been told it would be very difficult for her to conceive when she finally decides to do so (which she was thinking would be a few years down the road).

So now what?

She's in a great relationship with a great guy, but not married. Now this doesn't matter to her and it shouldn't matter to anyone else, but there is this stigma. What the fuck is that all about? Do you really have to be married to have a baby together? Why does it matter to others? They seem happy. They don't seem to need a marriage license to prove that they will care for their baby together.

She told me she was surprised as hell and quickly thought about an abortion. In fact, she was sure she wanted one,but that conversation she had with her doctor about problems conceiving kept creeping up. She changed her mind.

I feel her stress, her frustration. Those wonder questions begin to pop up for me too. I find myself asking, no fantasizing, about what if? What if I changed my mind? How would my life be different? Then I really think about it and can't imagine it. All I can think about is throwing up, spit up, and depression!

This is when I realize each of us has a very different decision to make. It is about what I want, not what others want for me or others think is best.

So let's move on to naming the baby. Surprised Mama is a rebel like me and has always said that she will keep her maiden name (like me) when she marries. So she decided that she would give her baby boy her name and her boyfriend's name. I can't help but be jealous they both have nice, normal names. I would love to give my baby (if I ever have one) my name and Hubby's name, but we have names that are wacky! I can only imagine our child would be tormented about hickeys and penises!

So now what?

Well, I wonder about giving one child my name and giving the next one Hubby's name. Then it is fair. We both get to pass our names on, but that also seems way too complicated--although I have seen it done. Hmmm...what if I had a third? Yes, too complicated. (Oh ouch, can you imagine birthing 3 babies, or even 1 for that matter.)

A Nice Surprise

This morning I was painting our bedroom when the phone rang. Talk about feeling saved! It was my oldest friend, I will call her Kinder Buddy because that is where we met, kindergarten. She is in town! Her husband is at a conference so she came along for fun. We met at Maggiano's for lunch and then shopped all afternoon. It was so much fun! We chattered about our memories of our childhood. We were in Girl Scouts together (her mom was our troop leader) and we spent time together often. We chatted about slumber parties, kindergarten, our families, etc. I couldn't help but wish for a moment that I never left Texas. That was such a SHITTY move. I remember thinking about all my great friends in Texas and wishing I could be with them each day I went to junior high. I think I masked it well. I "moved on" because that was the only choice, but I can't help but miss that great place in Texas. Kinder Buddy and I had a great time horsebackriding and watching movies all night.

She lives in Lubbock, Texas. Can you imagine? We giggled about my decision to move to NC and her excitement about leaving Texas ASAP...even though she just bought a great house with a kitchen that would make Hubby cum! Ha!
Happy Monday!

Book of Matches

Here I sit in an uncomfortable chair people watching at the mall. I've always wondered are the chairs so awful so that I will shop more and sit less. No such luck today, the dental bills are payed, the vet bill is coming, and the big scary bill will be here soon enough. Keep telling yourself those four awful words, no money to spend. I went to the mall to buy a birthday present for a friend. As the cashier handed me my change I noticed a note and a long stare that came with it. Is this the twilight zone? Scribbled on the note in tiny handwriting I read, You've been outed.
So that's how I got to this awful chair. I stumbled out of the store with my package and sat. My knees still feel weak, the rest of me is numb. What do I do now? What went wrong? Who betrayed me? I only told those closest to me. It didn't seem like such a huge deal at the time, but suddenly it seems horrible. I've been stabbed in the back. I don't understand.
Trust no one.

This House of Mine

As I walk into this house I feel a quietness. The people here like animals. They are bold with color. The lady of the house likes elegance, but that isn't obvious to the typical guest. This lady is not your average gal. There are only a few pictures seated comfortably on shelves, but they were probably carefully choosen. I see love, care, and commitment when I look at the pictures. These people are fairly neat and tidy. Everything seems to have a place and I don't see many piles of stuff. I wonder if one of them is a neat freak and the other one a mess? These people enjoy feeling connected to the world. At least I think that is why they have three computers. I see a large kitchen table that seats six, but I bet they eat in front of the t.v. not because they have nothing to say, but because they are that comfortable with one another. I wonder where their cats sleep? There is a shiny red pillow on the stairs that is nicer than anything I have ever slept on. Do the cats argue over it? Maybe they sleep in their parents' king size bed. Perhaps they snuggle in close and purr loudly. Perhaps they don't. I don't think these people spend much time in their yard because it doesn't exist. They probably go to the park you can see across the street. Do they play croquet on their days off? Do they sleep late or are they early risers? The furniture is not worn so one doesn't really have a sense of the past. I don't think they have company often, but when they do they live it up. This cozy place is mainly for the pair that live here with their animals. It is the place they call home.

My Inner and Outer Selves

My inner self, the part I show only to my other half is feeling eaten up by a plethora emotions, fantasies, memories good and bad, wishes, and thoughts. These feelings that hover and hang over me this evening are keeping me low. Really low. Don't worry, they aren't feelings that will last long. Thankfully. Just long enough to frustrate the fuck out of me for a few days. My latest findings have made me realize that I am stronger than I thought, so is Hubby. It is nice to confirm that we are united and forever supportive of one another as we walk through this life together. I sort of feel numb and can't wait for the cleansing feeling I am sure is just around the corner. Relief will be mine soon. I will reach out and grab it with an iron grip and never let it go. I won't let this thing continue to eat at my edges and consume anymore of my soul. I am going to release this thing very soon and then I am going to move forward and let go of the feelings of frustration, anger, guilt, and stress. There is too much to live for.

My outer self, the part I present to the rest of the world seems to be passing off my lie with some ease. True, a few can guess that I am not whole, but it is no big deal either way. The feelings I feel are mine and aren't necessarily meant to be shared with anyone other than Hubby. Tomorrow I plan to get up, do chores, call friends, and work on work projects. The day is like every other. Thankfully, I have learned to unleash my inner self at very specific times. My outer self can't function if my inner self is too distracted.

Feeling renewed.
Feeling whole again.
Feeling happiness.

These are the feelings I hope to reclaim for my inner self very soon because I know I am worth it.

9:15 AM, Thursday. I have made an appointment with myself. This will be my moment to start again, fresh, clean, and renewed.

PS: My teeth are healing nicely and I have been itching to write. If I could just keep this promise to myself then I'll be here, writing, often.

You know you are Republican when...

...you are counting how many patients pay a co-pay and how many are billing Medicaid. Bastards! Today, I sat at my gynecologist's office completely annoyed and uncomfortable. Why you ask? Well, true I and the girl next to me were the only white people in the place. I know that it shouldn't bother me. I feel pretty well educated on muti-cultural issues, but I learned today even I have limitations.

It all started when I walked in the door. After signing in I was told to sit. The problem was there were no chairs available. Instead, I saw 40 or 50 Hispanic women, mostly prego with at least one toddler at their feet. (This wasn't really a problem. However, it was a bit ackward as they were staring--or maybe I as the minority felt that they were staring--at the only white girl in the place.) I suddenly wished I didn't have my Coach purse on my arm, my nice clothes, and the book The End of Faith in my hand. I felt really out of place. I was directed behind "the door" and told to wait in chair that was 5 feet from what would later be my exam room. FUCKING WEIRD.

I should probably back up and tell you my gyn. that I really like is no longer on my insurance so I made an appointment with a totally random doc in a really old and seedy part of town, known as "The Hood."

Anyway, after getting comfortable my name was called. The receptionist handed me paperwork and asked for my driver's license. Then she paused and looked at me. Do you have insurance? WTF--of course I do. Well, that must be unsual in this office by the look I got from the receptionist and waiting patients. I sat down to complete my paperwork and realized all my paperwork was in Spanish. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I traded it for English paperwork. An hour and a half later I was called in to see the doc. Do you have insurance? This question was asked a few more times as it determines what kind of care I will receive. FRUSTRATING. At the end of my visit I paid my co-pay, but I was a little annoyed about the whole thing. Driving home I was counting how many women paid co-pays and how many billed Medicaid and I realized how pissed off I was. All those evil feelings of racism that I thought didn't exist I now realize, do. Here's the thing, I think it is part of human nature to possess these feelings. We seem to all have limitations at some point depending on how far we have been pushed. I guess I discovered a little more about my breaking point.