Fat Actress

I'm going to get you, you red headed pussy!
Get back here, you motherfucker!
I have a record, I stole from Patti Duke--a jar of mayo!
Oh my fuckin lord!
Let's give money to people in Hollywood who don't have houses!
As God as my witness I will never be fat again!

WTF!!!

Okay so we watched our first three episodes of Fat Actress tonight and it is so fucking funny! The dialogue is so fun.

When I was under...something

educat-means to draw out, not to fill up. Write about a time when you were under something.

*So I found these prompts online that I have decided to try out.
Times I have been under something...here goes:

How about under pressure or stress? I remember the time my cousin sat on me. I remember the time we drove to White Sands and my brother buried me under the sand. I was under that cold, heavy sand for quite some time. After he put a hat on my head and called me Jane he left. Of course I believed he was really going to get the camera. I guess I was truely naive. He didn't come back. Fucker! My mother finally heard my crying and uncovered me. Now you would think that since I was older I would have seen this coming, but no. How high was my IQ?

What else have I been under in this lifetime...hmmm...I am not going to answer that question and you probably shouldn't make any assumptions. Oh yeah, here's a thought that comes to mind.

Dytz this one is for you (it is a draft and very rough! BEWARE!)

Under his Sombrero

From under his sombrero he peered,
Among friends he stood,
Across the water he could see them,
Toward them he glared,
curious,
wondering,
Who were they,
he wondered.
He was the choosen one,
Into their space he walked
to welcome them.
Before he turned to go he reminded them of the customs of this place,
Amid the chaos he retreated
and
quietly returned to his group.

Check out my pussy!

I mean pussies! Look at my babies!!! Aren't they beautiful?

Buried in work and tatoos

Oh my God!
I have been at work all day catching up...
only I'm not caught up.
That fucking sucks,
ass.
I have ADD.
There,
I said it.
Hmmm...can I have the DRUGS,
now?

So today was a total gift from God,
or a blue bench.
(In college Dreamweaver and I "prayed" to the blue bench everyday on our way to chem class that we would pass.)
It worked.
I got a B+.

We had no kids today as it was parent/teacher/student conference day.
I love teaching,
except for the kids part.
Okay, that wasn't true, but a break is nice.:)
It was great fun to hang new bulletin boards,
reorganizing my shit,
moving furniture,
and time to eat my lunch!
Can you imagine?

It was so nice to have time to myself all day.
Shit!
Tomorrow is back to normal.
I knew it wouldn't last.


I've also been buried in a recurring thought this week...
I have been thinking about getting a tatoo.
Nothing gross,
or huge,
or too painful.

I have no fucking clue what I would have done.
Any ideas?
Let me rephrase that.
Any appropriate ideas?

My Body, My Right

How dare you judge me.
You
who doesn't know me, my dreams, my past, my pain.
You don't know why I did it
and you dont understand.


I'm not ready,
to be a mother,
he isn't ready to be a father.

It was an accident.

The condom broke,
The Pill failed.

Oh, God
I am not ready to bring a baby into the world now,
not yet,
not with him,
he isn't the one,
he won't be a father
and what kind of mother could I be,
after what happened to me last year?

I'm not over it,
yet.

I don't wish this situation on our baby.

This morning I was 5 weeks along
and
now I am relieved.


Relieved that I am strong
Relieved that I have rights
that I have money
that I have a friend that supports me.

You see,
I am not ready,
emotionally,
financially,
physically.

I am going to wait until it is right.

My abortion was my choice,
my right,
my sadness,
and my very private moment.
I live with it, with my choice
NOT YOU!

Don't judge me,
you don't know who I am.


Today I blog for choice. Today I blog for my friend who needed me a few years ago in college. Today is the 23rd anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision. I am 28 years old. I am happily married. I own my home. I have a good job. I am financially secure.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would get an abortion right away.

I don't want a baby and QQ doesn't want one either. We don't want to bring an unwanted baby into this world. There are already plenty. The government and The Christian Coalition cannot tell me what to do with my body. It isn't their right! The decisions QQ and I make for our family belong to us and no one else.
Today I blog for Choice.
blog@bushvchoice.com

Grandmama's got the look!

Today I took Grandma shopping for new shoes at Nordstrom Rack. She is such a style slut! I love it and I know where I get it from. She found the most adorable Diesel shoes. They are hot pink and red and soooooo cute. She tried them on and said they would look good with her Gap jeans and cords. She had to buy them. Everyone around her complimented her. They thought she was so cute and daring in the shoes. They all agreed she looked younger too. This made her smile. She said she felt closer to 80 then 90. Ahhhh...glad I could take her out for some fun.:)

Amazing Monkey Stories

So today I had this big observation from a VIP in our district. I was a little nervous about it, but my little monkeys are so amazing. They are in third grade, but boy are they little smarties. They looked good and I looked great! I showed them a few games that teach area and perimeter and I was so excited when they connected it to multiplication without my help!!! When do kids ever perform like that?

On and off throughout my career (I am in year 6) I have thought about...getting out. Here's a list of reasons I should stick with my third grade monkeys:
1. They will always give you a hug when you need one.
2. They are eager to learn and are generally very moldable.
3. They make me feel like a rock star everyday.
4. I impact the future!
5. They will tell me when my socks don't match my outfit or when I am having a bad hair day.
6. I get to see drama performances everyday.
7. They never have a problem keeping it spycy!
8. I get the be the boss all day!
9. June, July, and August.

They always surprise you with their wild stories.
Here a few...
*One of my darling monkeys made me promise I would keep a secret. After she told me, it was hard to look her parents in the eye without laughing. She went looking for her birthday presents that her mother hid from her. She didn't find the presents instead she found something that she swears really grossed her out. No it wasn't a vibrator with attachments. It was a book...100 Ways to Please Your Man. She promised to quit snooping forever--lesson learned!

*Another monkey always made me smile and laugh and at the same time make me wish I could drink during my lunch break. One day during reading groups, I nagged him for forgeting his supplies for our group. I told him to hurry back to his seat and get his things. He did listen well, that time. He leaned over his desk and in the process he lost his pants. He didn't seem to notice until all of us noticed. Oh and he wasn't wearing any underwear (he forgot to put them on that morning). After plenty of laughs from all of us I walked him to the office to see if the nurse had any underwear. As we walked into the office our principal (a very nice woman) saw us and assumed the worst (it must be bad if your teacher walks you to the office). It wasn't a bad assumption, he was a frequent flyer to the office and I think his parents were on speed dial. After Monkey and I explained the problem everyone in the office was quiet until we left (with underwear). I think they were having great difficulty holding it in.

*I had a particularly spycy monkey one year who kept me on my toes daily. She was very smart and had older siblings. She asked me for a copy of the assignment. I had to go to my file cabinet to get it. I was bent over (with my ass in the air) looking for it, when I got a funny feeling. I turned around to see several monkeys standing there with smiles, big smiles. They said, "Mrs. SpycTeacher,it's a good thing you are thin and have a small butt. Can you imagine what that would have looked like otherwise?"


*My first year teaching I had the next American Idol. NO JOKE. He sang and danced, well all the time. He commented often that noise from others bothered him. So I gave him a set of headphones to use when he felt especially distracted. On one occasion, I noticed our principal standing in the doorway of our class watching him very intently. As my eyes shifted to him I too became bug eyed. There he was rocking out. I didn't know his butt could shake so fast. The principal asked me what he was listening to. She seemed concerned! I whispered...the headphones aren't plugged in. He danced for another few minutes and we all stopped what we were doing to listen to an encore performance of Whitney Houston. (OMG he's in 8th grade now!)


Do you want my job yet?

Jesus is my Prozac!

Can you imagine such a world? Sofakitty saw this posted on a sign outside of a local church (I think she wrote about it on her blog A Couch Creation-check my sidebar if you are interested). It brought back so many memories about my struggles with religion. (A little Prozac AFTER church would have been nice!)

This got me thinking...
The other day MiTwife pulled into her driveway with the kids just in time to be greeted by morons, I mean Mormons. (I know that was judgemental and I am working on it...promise.) There were really sorry to hear that she wasn't interested in talkin with them and I am sure they were even more sorry to hear that she's an atheist. I was reminded of the crazy things that I have said to door-to-door bible thumpers.
In high school my asshole brother answered the door and introduced himself to a couple of thumpers. He told them that he wasn't interested, but that his sister was and he promptly scheduled a time for them to come back to the house to talk to me on Sat. morning. What a little fuckwit! As I recall that Sat. morning we all went grocery shopping (even dad) because nobody wanted to be home when they rang the bell.
In college they knocked on my door and I stole Dytz's line (he is a pro as he is a recovering Jehovah). I told them that my wife would not appreciate me talking to them. The look on their face was priceless. Another time I told them that they could come in and I would listen, but then they had to let me show my tits! I wish I was daring enough to invite them in, offer them coffee and actually "discuss" religion with them. It just seems like it would be an ackward experience. I would love to borrow a baby, put him on my boob, and answer the door fully exposed. For whatever reason that always grosses people out. MiTwife you fucking rule!!!

I don't need Jesus to be my Prozac.:) I can make my own choices about my life.
Is Jesus your Prozac? I wonder how many new cars will be in their parking lot on Sunday after reading that sign?

Not So Secret Crush

Okay so I am going to just say it.
I have a crush on Clinton from What Not To Wear.
I can't help but think he is cute and smart and did I mention cute?
He strikes me as the kind of boyfriend who would take me shopping for Manolos on a date.
We would get massages and facials together every Sunday.
He might seduce me with words like Prada, Jimmy Choo, Tahari, Dior, Chanel, you get the fucking picture.
I think I could get wet if he said those words.
Ewww...I think I need to change my underwear, right now!
A few weeks ago I told Hubby my secret.
You know what that shit said to me?

SpyCgirl, if you make him your boyfriend you are going to have to take it in the ass.
Do you think Clinton spoons after sex?
Do you really think he is gay?
I have gaydar.
Don't fucking tell me I don't.
Call it intuition, Dytz shut up I was only wrong like, one time.
I see dead people too.
Okay not really, but that would be a cool new hobby.
I am thinking Clinton is a metrosexual.
I wonder if he is good in bed.
Yummy.:)

Mean Girls

Did you ever see that movie?
It's true!
Girls ARE really that mean.
So two nights ago SofaKitty and I chatted in the car while QQ drove us to Nordstrom Rack for shoe shopping. Since it was a long drive across town we had plenty of time to chat about stuff,
you know,
girl stuff!
She asked me for my opinion about a little predicament she got into.
(After all I am the authority and should be asked for advice. I have a Master's in counseling. (That means I know it all.))
Her friend included her in an email confirming a dinner date with a group.
Hmmm...WTF
(That's what I was thinking.)
The only problem was that she wasn't included in the first email.
So SofaKitty and I went round and round about what to do.
Finally QQ interrupted us.
WTF!!! It was apparent he thought we were being nutty.
I reminded him social norms for guys don't apply to girls.
We are definetly our own breed and much more manipulative!
(Boys just beat eachother up and slap eachother's asses. Girls spread rumors about you and make you so miserable you want to kill yourself. Remember, junior high school? Does rehashing that shit make you think you need a drink? alcoholic!)

Why can't you just be upfront and find out what happened? QQ asked.
Honey, we are girls! Girls are mean and rotten!
Don't assume anything.
Girls don't just ask.
That is too forward.
So are you wondering what happened?
SofaKitty emailed her and played dumb about the whole thing.
Guess what, they say they didn't have her new email.


Oh...okay, I guess I am paranoid!
Enjoy your dinner SofaKitty.
Have a drink!

A Multi-Purpose Morning After Pill

Did you know the morning after pill is birth control?
That's right,
its not an abortifacient!
My good friend MiTwife referred me to a great blog about midwifery. If you get curious, go to www.studentmidwife.org. So this blog got me thinking...
The thought of being pregnant makes me want to puke.
It also makes me feel suffocated.
I know, that must mean I am not ready.
(This is all good news as Hubby is not interested in having kids for a long time or perhaps forever. Sometimes I say thinks like, "Honey, I've been thinking... That always scares him. He worries that I might say that dirty word, BABY. I suppose that is a mean joke to play on him.)
Anyway,
So why is it that this topic interests me so?
MiTwife tells me stories of the births she attends as a doula and a midwife apprentice and I can't wait to hear all the details.
I am amazed by the biology of pregnancy and birth.
I always ask her questions.
I beg for more info from her.
She is brillant afterall.
Women bleed.
I used to think it was simply gross and unfortunate
that men don't,
but now I consider it a right.
It makes us powerful!
It makes us different,
in a good way.


I mean it when I say that I am not ready to breed.


However, I have developed some opinions about how I will bring a baby into this world if I do, indeed, ever get prego.
I can tell you
(because you care, right)
I would definetly not get an ob and go to a hospital.
The mainstream way of birthing babies in America is not for me.
I guess that makes me a granola cruncher.
Call me whatever,
I don't really care.
I am proud to be different.
Having a baby is not an illness or an emergency.
Therefore, there is no need to go to a hospital to deliver a baby (for me, I don't care what the rest of you do).
I could go on forever about this topic, but you are yawning so I will stop.

Another thought...
I wish there was a multi-purpose morning after pill.
Then I could take it the morning after I got no sleep because I listened to a stray car alarm all night or because I drank more then I planned to.

My head is packed,

but not with ideas. Who the hell cares, though. What a busy day! Yesterday I stayed home from work and spent the day limping around until my doctor appointment in which I almost died! Well, not really. I had that gross ingrown toenail removed.The needle was huge and painful, twice, in case you were wondering. I don't wish that experience on anyone. I went shopping for nothing at Nordstrom Rack tonight and of course I found something I needed. I love that place. I found 2 great pairs of shoes at great prices. For the last few hours I have been cleaning my desk and the many mountains of paper in our loft. Who knew I could get quite that disorganized? Well, perhaps it is no surprise. I have nothing very interesting to say. I am going to go soak my foot and head to bed. (I can hardly wait.)

Fish eyes and cider

It's no secret that I enjoy adult beverages.
And after the day we had today,
I needed one...
real bad.
We spent the day moving BeadSlut out of her apartment.
QQ and BeadSlut kept calling me whipcracker!
QQ must have forgotten that I have sworn him to secrecy.
He is only allowed to call me that in bed...
I could fucking wish!!!

Just imagine the fun we had...
No, not in bed!

...up and down stairs, load shit into the truck, drop off at storage, come back and do it all over again,
a few more times!
You only find out if your friends are true when you ask them to help move you out and they accept.
STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS
YES THAT WOULD BE US!
BeadSlut, you are really loved.:)

*Check out my pic.
Don't I look absolutely awful.
I usually consider myself HOT!
That fucking glass didn't do me any justice!
My teeth are my favorite part!

By the way, tomorrow is the first day I head back to the gym after a two month break.
I am going to give it a try even though I have an ingrown toenail that is KILLING me.
I might need to go the doc for it.
YUCK!

While at Amber's apartment today, I stood on her scale and found out that I weigh about 125 pounds.
Although that is ideal (I guess),
I can't stop thinking of those dimples I noticed in my ass a few weeks ago
(see previous December post).
I mean, hell I am only 28!
It is time to give a damn and fuck with the lights on again!
LOL

Ponder This...

*MEN CAN BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES!
MiTwife shared this with us
(and MiTwife is like, totally smart and knows everything about birthing babies and caring for them! So BELIEVE her!)
Did you know men have the same...plumbing?

*According to the Feb. issue of Marie Claire there are 4 Vagina Mistakes YOU Don't Have To Make
(BOYS YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS PART!)
1. Share your razor with your man/bootie call--BOYS ALWAYS HATE THAT ANYWAY!
You can get his germs if you nick yourself.
2. Get a high-risk piercing. You could get TSS (from the piercing, not your super absorbant tampons)
3. Treat your own yeast infection. Ewww!!!
4. Use the wrong type of condom


*Each June in Portugal the northern town of Amarante holds a festival in honor of Sao Goncolo, the Patron Saint of lovers. The unmarried men and women celebrate by exchanging penis-shaped cakes to express their affections for each other.


Hmmm...I wonder what else they exchange?
Any thoughts?



For whatever reason this reminded me of a memory that always makes me grin.

We were young and ready for adventure.
So we hiked to that spot,
the hidden one.
And there we sat on the beach at Lake Tahoe,
the nude beach.
Hubby was clothed in swim shorts, shirt, and hat under an umbrella.
MiTwife and her hubby had on swimsuits and sunglasses.
I sat in a bikini, (I looked hot, of course.)
Dytz was naked.

As I recall,
his ass was firm, cute...
I almost spanked it!

A little out of place we all seemed.
We were new to our surroundings.

Behind us there she was,
sitting next to her boytoy...
...in all her glory.
MiTwife noticed her, then we all noticed.
It was shiny.
It glistened in the sun.
It fucking blinded me for a moment!
It was her piercing.

Specifically, her hootchie piercing.
Her legs were spread. She was hairy.
She needed grooming.


How strange we must have seemed to those who wandered by.
Four sunbathers clothed on a nude beach.
And behind us sat the nude couple showing off some bling, bling.
They weren't glamourous.
But they were proud to flaunt it.
All of it!

That piercing.
Ouch!
Exactly what position are you in when you get that done?
I wonder.
Boy, she was daring!



*What the F*ck?
I was thinking I would go with a psycho stripper, but a deranged buffalo doing a dance would be interesting. Can I have both?

Sidebar

FYI (to any who give a shit)
A.C. I added you to my sidebar because I think you are funny.
NOT because I want to stalk you.
I promise.
:)

Does anyone know how to add pictures to the sidebar?
I haven't been able to figure that out yet.
It is really important as I need to put pics of my fur babies there!
LOL

Journalistic integrity

Jon Stewart is so FUCKING funny
and of course
he is a journalist with integrity!
I get so sick of watching the news.
Sometimes they are so stupid and ask such stupid questions.
That's why I turn to Comedy Central to get the real scoop...

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart--It's even better than being informed!"

I am up late again
and watching one of my favorite shows.
The other one is Bill Maher on HBO.
He can cuss and say really inappropriate things.
I love that!]
I wonder if Jon Stewart ever considers moving to HBO.
I can wish.
It can be so hard to get back into the work routine.
I also have a mountain of papers to grade,
but my cute kitty is fast asleep on them.
I suppose it is best not to disturb him.
Sleep is so important.
I didn't really want to grade them anyway.

I had a great teacher moment today.
It was the kind that reminds me why I became a teacher.:)
I ran in to a parent who nicely told me that she and her husband really want their son to be in my classroom next year.
She told me they have been waiting for two years for him to be in my class and now they only have to wait 6 months.
She totally made my day!!!
Tomorrow is Friday and I can't wait. I have tons of crap to do and I want a day when I can sleep in. Hello Saturday...get here
NOW!

Appropriate Dinner Conversation...of course

You can lick my ass all you want, but I sure as hell ain't gonna lick yours'!

WTF
That's what you are thinking,
right?
Have you ever had a conversation like this one with your bitch?
Or was it your hooker?
I guess Hubby and I really are that raunchy.
Or are we that curious?
No, not really.
We like not following rules and shocking others.
What do you think Pres. Bush would think?
Would he approve?

Are you wondering why Hubby might say something like that to me?
If you know him...
...you aren't wondering.

Have you ever watched Real Sex on HBO?
Hubby and I were talking about freaky sex while drinking smoothies and eating a greasy dinner in the Sonic parking lot.
Healthy, I know...so shut up!

Mom would be so proud,
of the dinner conversation
of course.

I was reminded of a couple that confessed (on Real Sex) they lick each other's asses. They looked oh so innocent.
Hmmm, it got me thinking...
So I mentioned it to Hubby, just to see what he would say.
That's when he let me know his opinion about giving and receiving!
I couldn't help but be slightly curious and also relieved!

The POWER of female sex and other thoughts

Are you ready to take the Iron Hymen Abstinence-only Pledge?

I, [SpyCgirl], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

Find out more info about "Iron Hymen" at www.ironhymen.com.

I heard if you send Pres. Bush a letter stating you waited until marriage, you get a postcard that congratulates you!
Word.
Shit, does this mean I have to get rid of my fuck-me heels?
Those hot looking pointy toed boots.
Those boots make me feel POWERFUL!
Oh, that's right I'm married.
:)
That means Hubby is allowed to VIOLATE my hoo hoo regularly.
He's my hoo hoo lover!
Hmmm...Maybe I shouldn't have worn white.



Other Thoughts...

Motherfucker!
Suck my Wenis!
Love,
******

So take that. You would imagine this is something annoyed strangers might say to each other in a nightclub. Okay, so maybe they are pissed off strangers. Really pissed off! WRONG! It happened in my classroom today. Ahh...you thought little monkeys were cute and innocent. Did I burst your bubble? I promise most of the time they are cute and about 75% of the time they are innocent! HeHe.

What the F*ck?

The Raunchy Version!
Have you played it?
Just wondering,
Hubby and I got What the F*ck? The Raunchy Version! Book Two for Christmas.
What is it, you ask?
It's a drinking game!

Thanks for the present BKSnowley!
You must think we are REALLY raunchy!
Thanks for the compliment.:)

Are you all ready to play?
Okay, everyone gets an A/B coin. A player volunteers to be the Subject of the first question. (I will volunteer.) The Subject rolls the three dice. The numbers he/she rolls correspond to the question that is asked. Let's pretend I rolled the number 154.

Question 154: Who would you rather spend the night in a haunted house with?
A-a psycho stripper B-a deranged water buffalo

Now another player announces the corresponding drink penalty (in this case it is 2 drinks). Everyone guesses what the Subject will say and places his.her coin in one hand with his answer facing up.

So do you think I answered A or B?
Take a guess.
I triple dog dare all of you!!!

In case you were wondering...

...Yep!
I'm still alive
and a total and complete BAG-WHORE!
That's right.
You read correctly.
A few days ago I woke up, looked across the room and noticed my purses hanging on the doorknob.
Holy crap!
I had about $500 worth of purses!
I wonder how many expensive purses you have to own before you become a bag-whore?
I figure I must already qualify because I have my eye on another purse.

(I always have my eye on another purse. Althought I thoroughly enjoy what I've got!)

Our vacation is coming to an end.
Don't cry for me Argentina.
Anyway,
as we left the lakehouse today I couldn't help but feel sad
or was I just thinking about all the crap I have to do when I get home.
SHIT, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK ON TUESDAY!
Oh God,
now the stress sets in.
I have to teach on Tuesday and I am not even close to being ready!
Don't panic.
It always comes together
because I am THAT smart!
Like you care,
right?

Tomorrow morning Hubby and I leave to go back to sincity.
I can't wait to hug and kiss my furbabies!
Yes I am definetly one of those pet owners others talk about.
My two kitties are the cutiest fucking cats in the whole world!
Don't try to challenge me because you know I am right!!!

New Year's was very low-key and fun. How lucky I am to have such great friends.:)